The Book Tea

Hi, I’m Rianne and I recently turned 24. It was a strange day for me. I ended up having a nice weekend spent with my family and friends. Yet, I spent the morning of my birthday alone (except for my dog) pinning book lists on Pinterest to help with a quarter life crisis. What makes me think I am having a quarter life crisis? Well that’s a bit of a story, but here we go.

This is the first birthday of my life that I have not looked forward to. I have always loved birthdays. In elementary school I used to have these giant parties where the whole class would show up. Over time my parties and friend group got smaller, but there was always something to look forward to, turning 18 and becoming an adult or turning 21 and being able to legally drink. My last birthday I turned 23, which may not seem like a big birthday, but for me, born on February 23, it was apparently my “golden year”. I was convinced that my golden year was going to be better than the rough half of a year I had after college graduation. But the reality is I feel like I wasted an entire year of my life. The core of my quarter life crisis stems from the fact I am not where I expected to be in life. I am sure many of you can relate.

For me the postgraduate life has been a roller coaster that looks nothing like what I expected. I graduated from the University of New Mexico with a BA in Political Science and Criminology. I was summa cum laude in my department and in the university. Everything looked like it was lined up. I had an easy time getting a job in my field soon after graduating. I know this is not typical. But the first job I applied to, as a campaign field organizer, panned out. Before I knew it I had packed my bags and headed to work in Arizona. To say my first post college job left me disillusioned would be an understatement. I worked with and met some great people, but the hours were long and grueling, the pay was rather low, and as anyone living in the United States can tell you, the political environment was toxic. I got screamed at on the phone, had doors shut in my face, and worked myself to exhaustion. In the end, the pay out didn’t feel as rewarding as expected. So I left Arizona and came back home to New Mexico, feeling rather battered by my first venture out of state. It turns out I didn’t much like my field with the current political environment and I freaked out. After the freak out I completely shut down, hence the “golden year” of wasted time. I have worked temp jobs and jobs online but I have not felt any real joy or fulfillment in what I am doing. I felt lost.

For some strange reason my 24th birthday hit me hard. At my age my mom was ready to give birth to me, our birthdays are about two weeks apart. I constantly compare myself to everyone on social media. I am sitting still while they move to a big city, get married, get into grad school or land their perfect job. I berate myself for not living up to the potential so many people told me I had during my school days. In those comparisons I lost sight of what mattered to me and what makes me happy. On Friday, I woke up and started to think about what I enjoy. I always envied people who have a deep passion for something. My boyfriend is a photographer and my sister is a professional dancer. I admire their persistence in following their craft even as the world tells them to get a ‘real job’, whatever that actually means. But I thought I didn’t have a passion. One day my boyfriend asked me what I felt passionate about and I couldn’t come up with an answer. I had subconsciously told myself that I needed to be miserable. But then it hit me, I do have a passion, it might not look the same as those around me, but it is a passion nonetheless, books. I have been a huge reader since the minute I learned to read around the age of four. I was reading giant Harry Potter books by the second grade. I tested post high school in reading comprehension in the first grade. I am and always will be a reader. Books are where my first love lies.

I realized I lost a bit of the spark for books after four years of not having time to read what I wanted during school. Reading became a chore and when school ended I wasn’t doing it as much anymore. Instead I am glued to my phone or binging Netflix. I need that to change. So we come full circle. This blog is for me to pull myself out of this existential funk. Books have always helped me in rough times and in them I will find my center, hence the decision to start my book blog. Although college dulled my desire for reading a bit, one thing I miss is the chance to read a book and have a good conversation about it. So I thought why can’t I have that still? I came to the conclusion that I could, but this time in an online format. So I am going to read and write about what I read and hopefully you’ll tell me what you think too. I am not doing this for money or attention; it’s possible that I may be screaming into the void. But this blog is for me. So thanks for reading my long and probably too personal first post. If you have any suggestions of books that helped you through a rough time and you think I should read please leave them in the comments. I am looking forward to reading with you!